We Hereby Recant

April 01, 2011

We, the authors of Armstrong Delusion, have been struck down by the sudden, undeniable realization that our worldview has been completely and unequivocally wrong. For that we offer our most sincere apologies, and beg the forgiveness of any readers who have been drawn away from the Biblical teachings espoused by the heirs of Mr. Herbert W. Armstrong. We realize that our critical, satirical approach to the words of the End Time Elijah, Herbert Armstrong, and to That Prophet/Apostle Gerald Flurry, has been nothing more than a blind attempt to discredit God’s Truth.

Our readers will be forced to ask what has precipitated the sudden realization of our heresy, and the repentance which we have defiantly resisted for so long. For an answer, we must point to the shocking events which transpired early this morning.

At 12:01 GMT, a massive Iranian incursion into northern Israel through Turkey and Syria was reported, and the city of Jerusalem was completely encompassed by wave upon merciless wave of Iranian militants led by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has proclaimed himself the 12th Imam Incarnate, the King of the Armies of the South. Iran’s supreme religious leader, Ayatolla Khamenei, voiced support and called for Muslims everywhere to rise up and avenge centuries of Western oppression “…with rivers of blood in their streets.” Heavy artillery and missile strikes were reported throughout the area, and as of now half of the city has fallen as fierce house-to-house fighting continues to overwhelm Israeli security forces.

Mere minutes after the deadly assault on Jerusalem commenced, a Papal Bull was issued by Pope Benedict XVI. It stated that the atrocities perpetrated by Iran must be answered with, “…the full military might of the Christian world,” and announced the formation of a Papal Union of Nations which will encompass “the entire territory once presided over by the Roman Empire.” The Pope made it clear that this new union, formed primarily from the member states of the current EU, is to be headed by the chancellor of his own native Germany, Angela Merkel. He concluded the Bull with a stern warning to all nations who have voiced support for the Iranian action, and specifically many Liberal members of the U.S. congress who feel that the Muslim onslaught was an inevitable result of Israel’s aggressive settlement activity. According to BBC news reports this morning, military forces are staging throughout Europe in preparation for a whirlwind strike against the Iranian forces in Jerusalem.

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin issued a statement of solidarity with the People’s Republic of China, stating that any military action near the borders of either nation by the new Papal Union, or by Muslim forces, would be met with an instantaneous and overwhelming response.

An apparent nuclear strike on London has completely leveled the city center and Parliament, with devastation reported over 100 miles from the city. Information was limited, with widespread looting and violence in the aftermath of the attack. No one has yet claimed responsibility, but some experts believe it may have been part of a larger action covertly sponsored by the Iranian government.

Concurrently, NASA astronomers reported unusual global atmospheric activity caused by massive fires throughout North and South America. According to a scientist who commented on condition of anonymity, “In the next several weeks we can expect the sun to be completely blotted out, and the moon may take on a dark, blood-red hue as smoke and ash permeate the upper atmosphere.” Geologists have also reported numerous earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, with violent activity centered on the Yellowstone Caldera. More data is being analyzed, but as of now a major tectonic event is considered probable in the coming days. Thousands of U.S. citizens are hastily moving away from the epicenter of geothermal activity.

We now realize that all of these events were prophesied years in advance by Herbert W. Armstrong, and it is with great regret that we recant our opposition and beg forgiveness from our readers in this unparalleled time of warfare and upheaval.

Oh. Hang on a second…

Crap.

It’s April 1st.

Nevermind.

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5 thoughts on “We Hereby Recant

  1. I woke up on April 1 and thought, “How can I create a little mayhem today?” This little gem was the result. Glad you enjoyed it.

  2. Wow man. I didn’t know about the nuke strike on London. Thanks for the update. Let’s hope Edmond OK is next.

  3. Cool, surfer. I like your use of the word “fuck.” Gerald and I use that word “fuck’ all the time.

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