We Hereby Recant

April 01, 2011

We, the authors of Armstrong Delusion, have been struck down by the sudden, undeniable realization that our worldview has been completely and unequivocally wrong. For that we offer our most sincere apologies, and beg the forgiveness of any readers who have been drawn away from the Biblical teachings espoused by the heirs of Mr. Herbert W. Armstrong. We realize that our critical, satirical approach to the words of the End Time Elijah, Herbert Armstrong, and to That Prophet/Apostle Gerald Flurry, has been nothing more than a blind attempt to discredit God’s Truth.

Our readers will be forced to ask what has precipitated the sudden realization of our heresy, and the repentance which we have defiantly resisted for so long. For an answer, we must point to the shocking events which transpired early this morning.

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“God’s Tectonic Mouthpiece”

 

“Look out belowwwwwww!”

Last week a cataclysmic natural disaster struck Japan, carved a path of devastation through the Pacific islands and finally smashed itself against the western coast of the United States. The 8.9 magnitude earthquake was precipitated by a sudden shift in the tectonic plates which geologists call the “Japan subduction zone,” and the concussive shock resulted in a tsunami whose full effect has yet to be assessed. Conservative estimates place the financial toll at well over $200 billion, while over 15,000 people remain either dead or missing. But the danger is far from over. Powerful, unpredictable aftershocks continue to shatter structures weakened by the initial quake, and the Fukushima nuclear reactor remains in a state of emergency as it hemorrhages billowing clouds of radioactive smoke over heavily populated urban areas whose shelters were destroyed by the earthquake. Even after the cleanup effort is completed, an expansive swath of territory around the nuclear plant will remain deadly to all forms of life for 300 years while the cesium-137 isotope degrades.

Most people agree that the destruction in Japan is the result of natural forces which have remained in play since the formation of our planet. But some religious leaders, especially in the Armstrongist cults, would have us believe that the recent tide of death and mayhem in Japan is a warning message from a wrathful, all-powerful God—merely a foretaste of His prophesied vengeance against our evil world. Here we examine that claim.

EXTRA!!! EXTRA!!!

 

Shocking developments of a rather confusing nature!!!

 

Edmond: ‘Tis the season of witches, ghouls, mystery and masquerade—and according to our sources, Gerald Flurry has finally decided to get into the spirit of All Hallows Eve by donning yet another farcical (but highly entertaining) mask. In fact, this one is so good even we were baffled by it. It seems the beloved Fuehrer has decided that he is, in fact, an apostle. That’s right folks, he’s added yet another title to his burgeoning resume. According to our informants, who recently had the pleasure of listening to a sermon by the man himself, Flurry came to this conclusion via—get this—logic. It seems that, according to the biblical model, God speaks directly to prophets, but only indirectly to apostles. Flurry realized, after two decades of claiming the prophetic role, that God doesn’t actually talk to him! Shocking, I know. But instead of demoting himself to the rank of evangelist, he decided that he deserved a raise. That’s right: Gerald Flurry is now on the same level as the Apostles Peter, Paul and (ostensibly) David Pack. The really curious aspect of all this is that even though Flurry has officially proclaimed his switch from prophet to apostle, he retains the title “That Prophet.” Hey, he wrote a book about it and everything, so it’s kinda difficult to put that (black) cat back into the bag. Obviously we’ll be monitoring this breaking story with considerable relish and we’ll bring you additional information as soon as it becomes available through our various channels. Stay tuned!

Friday Fallacy: Post Hoc, Ergo..?

S. D. Bruce

Last week we started a new series here at Armstrong Delusion called Friday Fallacy. Every week we feature a logical fallacy, briefly describe it, and discuss the cult’s reliance on it in specific statements or doctrines.

This week’s fallacy is Post Hoc, Ergo Propter Hoc. That’s Latin for “After the fact, therefore because of the fact,” and it’s also been called a false-cause or questionable cause argument.

Here’s how it works: There’s a freak hailstorm in Cincinnati, and only two weeks later–bam!–all of the geese migrate west. Your friendly neighborhood ornithologist confidently proclaims that all of the geese sustained brain damage in the hailstorm and as a result their internal compasses have been so badly dented that they’re now guiding the geese west, instead of south, for the winter. There’s no actual evidence–the two events are unrelated–but that’s the nature of logical fallacy. It makes sense only on the surface…and only if you’ve been repeatedly concussed by large high-velocity hailstones.

Another great example of a post hoc argument which was eventually vanquished by deductive reasoning is the story of The Pontiac that was Allergic to Vanilla Ice Cream. (Go ahead, check out the link. We’ll wait.)

We’re All Gonna Die! …Or Maybe Not.

S. D. Bruce

On Friday, December 21, 2012, human life will be obliterated from this planet—and guess what? We won’t even get the credit. The seas will vaporize into choking, blistering clouds of steam, obscuring the cataclysmic fusion of the tectonic plates below. Volcanic ash and molten stone will smother the world’s great cities while oceans of contaminated mud bury mountain villages, fertile farmland and suburban housing developments. Military bunkers will be crushed instantly as mountain ranges topple and merge with writhing valleys. The international space station will disintegrate within the first few seconds, but any astronauts on board won’t see the impact coming: spikes in coronal mass ejections from the sun will melt communications gear days before the ultimate blow. Within a year nothing will be left of our once-vibrant, frenzied globe but a chilled cinder wafting like scorched paper through the frozen void.