Edmond: ‘Tis the season of witches, ghouls, mystery and masquerade—and according to our sources, Gerald Flurry has finally decided to get into the spirit of All Hallows Eve by donning yet another farcical (but highly entertaining) mask. In fact, this one is so good even we were baffled by it. It seems the beloved Fuehrer has decided that he is, in fact, an apostle. That’s right folks, he’s added yet another title to his burgeoning resume. According to our informants, who recently had the pleasure of listening to a sermon by the man himself, Flurry came to this conclusion via—get this—logic. It seems that, according to the biblical model, God speaks directly to prophets, but only indirectly to apostles. Flurry realized, after two decades of claiming the prophetic role, that God doesn’t actually talk to him! Shocking, I know. But instead of demoting himself to the rank of evangelist, he decided that he deserved a raise. That’s right: Gerald Flurry is now on the same level as the Apostles Peter, Paul and (ostensibly) David Pack. The really curious aspect of all this is that even though Flurry has officially proclaimed his switch from prophet to apostle, he retains the title “That Prophet.” Hey, he wrote a book about it and everything, so it’s kinda difficult to put that (black) cat back into the bag. Obviously we’ll be monitoring this breaking story with considerable relish and we’ll bring you additional information as soon as it becomes available through our various channels. Stay tuned!